Saturday, February 1, 2014

To My Dear Brother

I ask in prayer for everything I want for myself to be given to you.

I ask for you to be healthy. I ask for your prosperity. I ask for your happiness.

I ask that you be blessed with peace in your mind and in your heart.

And I ask that we continue to love and respect each other. 
It's an uphill battle, but it can be won. It's a struggle that leaves you wholesome. Don't be afraid to charge!

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Keep It Real. Heed The Velveteen Rabbit

For my psychology class, we had to write a letter to ourselves in 10 years. A very moving experience. This is what I wrote to you (me): 
Dear me,
Above all else, I want you to be happy with wherever life has taken you and whomever life has brought your way.  I also desire that you be at peace with the choices that you have made on your life’s journey.  By now you should be proud to have in your possession, a Master’s degree and a PhD; a testament to your courage, your hard work and a resilient belief in yourself.  I hope you are enjoying living in many different parts of the world, sharing in the myriad interpretations of what it is to be human.
Are you looking forward to the big five-oh? I sure hope so. In which country will you celebrate it? I hope that you have kept your goal of helping Earth’s poorest. Aiding women procure financial aid for their small businesses. Remember how you just knew that the answer to extreme poverty is to help the women in the developing nations? I have confidence you are doing something about educating girls in third world countries.
Dear me, as the Irish say, “May the wind be always at your back.” I have faith that prosperity has followed you and that you have met the man that you described in your diary. Is he as handsome, gentle and drama free as I now (at 37) imagine him to be? I wonder, has a family happened for you yet? At 37 I am not married to the idea of starting a family. But I never say “never.”
I know you have become more beautiful as you’ve aged. Hopefully you now have total confidence in your body, whatever shape it’s taken. You know by now it’s all about the content of your character. Bodies change, in all phases of life. You can count on it. What should not change; is your heart and your desire to lead a purposeful life. The purpose: to be present Now, always.
Anne Lamott, whom you are fond of, puts it this way: To love yourself as you are is a miracle, and to seek yourself is to have found yourself, for now. And now is all we have, and Love is who we are.

Here’s something I thought would move you, as it relates to ageing and being “real.” Here’s to Keeping It Real:
“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'

'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.

'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'

'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'

'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.”
Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Where The Magic Happens

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.-Neale Donald Walsch. 
I have already discovered this, following a futile resistance to change. Change always sends a signal. You begin to feel restless and uncomfortable. The general instinct is to move away from the discomfort instead of embracing it. We always want to maintain the status quo even if it is causing us harm.
When we are immersed and totally engaged in our addiction, we're very much hiding from life. There's a fake comfort there, and we're used to it. That's why we are lazy to shake things up.
But why? 
Just in case things change? They could change for the better, you know? But when we're engaged in addiction we don't know that. We live in constant fear of the bottom falling out. This I now know for sure: Getting out of my comfort zone saved my life and gave me a much better quality of life than I had. But first I had to go through the fire. Well, so does stone, iron, or glass when it needs to be molded, to be changed into something more valuable. Otherwise, it's just a lump of uselessness. 
Stay drunk, high or binge eating and you are no better than a lump of coal. Allow life to change you and release your full potential and you, my friend, are a shining diamond. 
 Heal yourself so you may live wholesomely. Don't lose yourself in your addiction. All it serves is to keep your head underwater so that you're drowning in circumstance. I read this recently on someone's web page:
The greatest work you will ever do is that of healing your wounds and becoming the best version of yourself - a masterpiece.

Monday, June 3, 2013


I heard a song the other day by Amy Grant that was so, so awesome. It's about relaxing into life. She tells us not to try so hard. And she's right. Life is not meant to be a struggle. Even while experiencing unavoidable circumstances, we should relax into life as it comes at us. Have faith that all will be well. 

I remember in my drinking days how awfully worried I was. I always feared tomorrow because I did not have any faith in the goodness of life. I was perpetually thinking the worst. Thus I drank and drank. In a bid to kill the gnawing senseless fear. 

I was so afraid of things falling apart, of being discovered as alcohol dependent, of losing my job, of the car breaking down, of being fat, of being thin and haggard looking, of being deported, of being alone or lonely, of not accomplishing anything, afraid of people seeing my flaws. I was in anxiety over everything really. Internally, I was in a horrid perpetual state of dread.

"Knowing that I will make mistakes, that I will forgive myself and keep on trying, has given me the confidence I craved. When I was young, I thought confidence could be earned with perfection. Now I know that you don't earn it; you claim it. And you do that by loving the wacky, endlessly optimistic, enthusiastically uninhibited free spirit that is the essence of style, the quintessence of heart, and uniquely you." ~Cecelie BerryRead more:

In the song, Amy Grant says, "You're lovely even with your scars. Lovely, the way you are. So open up your lovely heart. Don't try so hard."

I am still sober. It's been a year and going on six months. I will keep strong. As Maya Angelou says, I am blessed beyond the telling of it! I am surrounded by a few carefully chosen people who love me and support me and appreciate my scars. I am immensely happy.